I USED TO BE A BINGE EATER
/I used to be a binge-eater.
>> I'm talking cancel-plans-because-I-couldn't-get-out-of-bed-binge-eater.
>> I'm talking hide-in-my-room-and-devour-a-box-(or-two)-of-cereal-binge-eater.
>> I'm talking 40-extra-lbs-on-these-bones-binge-eater.
For the majority of my early twenties, I would restrict my food, control my diet, and subsequently binge on "bad food" to the point of a painful and distended stomach, which also served as a constant reminder of my own shame.
✨ Not too many people know this about me. ✨
In fact, because I'm (now) a small size, most people assume I've never had an issue with food in my life.
In reality, it was all I thought about. I often wondered to myself, "what would I use my brain space for if I wasn't constantly suffering with thoughts of food (losing weight, being "fat", etc)?", "who would I be if I wasn't defined by this pain?", "what would I even be worth?".
- I refused to have a girlfriend for six years. How could I let someone see my body?
- I refused to wear shorts, or a bathing suit, or be naked around anyone. How could I show people what I wanted to hide from?
- I refused to tell anyone that I was struggling. How could I let someone see this disgusting version of me?
It was the darkest space I've ever been in.
✨ I healed my negative relationship to food once-and-for-all about four years ago, and it still continues to be some of the sweetest freedom I've ever tasted in my life. ✨
I finally know what it feels like to never fight food, to always eat what I want, to have the body I always envisioned, and to have people assume I've never struggled with food (ha!).
I was looking back on this recently, and I realized that a lot of my internal shifts relate SO MUCH to the internal shifts required for building a business.
And so, chick, I wanted to share some of the most important ones with you.
✨ 1. I gave myself permission to stop being perfect -- I stopped trying to find the "perfect diet" or body fat percentage. I stopped trying to look perfect for everyone. Instead, I allowed myself to do and eat what felt good.
✨ 2. I visualized (and worked my mindset) every single freaking day -- every night when I went to bed I visualized the exact body I wanted. I visualized a muscular and lean body, and the number 112 on the scale (when I cared about the scale). I visualized looking down at my stomach and feeling amazing, being in a bikini, etc. And you know what? My body regulated at 112 - muscular and solid. Even when I lived in Oklahoma for two years drinking more beer and eating more shit than ever in my life, I always re-regulated at 112 naturally. While I rarely check the scale anymore, I can always feel my body re-regulating to the body I visualized constantly.
✨ 3. I learned to love myself as I was -- I honestly and truly thought that I was unlovable unless I looked a certain way (hence not showing anyone my body). In fact, the month I gave myself permission to love myself was the month I started dating (okay, okay, sleeping with) Dre. My whole energy shifted when I started loving myself, and my internal worth started to skyrocket.
✨ 4. I allowed myself to be seen -- I started telling a few people about my truth with food. I started wearing shorts. I stopped cancelling plans even if I binged (or slid back). I started sharing my emotions. Which brings me to...
✨ 5. I faced my emotions -- I stopped (literally) stuffing them down. I sat with them. I felt them. I let them happen. I stopped trying to stop the pain, and I just let it course through me. This is essential for growth and healing of any kind.
✨ 6. I started celebrating the journey itself -- every single day that I didn't binge was a celebration. Every mistake was a celebration. Every backslide was a celebration. I didn't care, I celebrated. I stopped looking at how "far" I had to go, and instead I enjoyed the shit out of the journey. I enjoyed the newfound feelings of being seen and touched and held. I didn't wait to "get there".
Once I did those things, once I stopped fighting, once I stopped hiding, once I stopped trying to be perfect, once I enjoyed the journey, I started getting results IMMEDIATELY and QUICKLY.
⭕️ The internal shift for building a business is no different. ⭕️
Become the woman you want to be NOW. Feel the feelings you're afraid of, and let them pass. Allow yourself to be seen, and fuck being perfect. Learn to love the shit out of yourself, and celebrate every single step of the journey.
Whatever you want is possible. Wherever you want to be is waiting for you. All it takes is YOU stepping into your power, giving yourself permission, letting your guard down, and taking a chance.
Believing in you,
xx, Alexandra